when to say no - part 1

When to Say No

A Woman’s Guide in Walking Away Faithfully with the Lord

Something was wrong, and I knew it deep within my spirit. Planning a wedding and a future marriage should bring some level of nervousness, right? Will the day go as planned? Can we afford the honeymoon we are going on? How will life look when we get back? Does his family really like me? I think those are all normal anxieties. I’ve been told those are all normal anxieties.

But I did not have a normal amount of anxiety. I had a tsunami of fear consuming my body for five months. Why could I not sleep? Why did I have to take a large dose of melatonin each night? Why was my period always late for a girl who had always been regular to the day? Why was I spending more and more time in the gym which was a place of therapy for me? Why was I physically and emotionally pulling away from the people who had loved me forever? Why was planning my wedding miserable? I knew something was terribly wrong.

Everyone had told me that my future husband and I worked great together! They commented on how kind, easygoing, and patient he is. We both loved the Lord, kids, and the image of the future life we had created in our heads. We were going to spend time on the back porch each morning as we read our Bibles together. We were going to have game nights, get a dog, and we hoped to host a Bible study in our home. We “made” plans.

We had planned the wedding, made the invitations, started premarital counseling, and even bought the honeymoon. If you needed it for a wedding, it was probably checked off the long to-do list that haunted me every night. Everyone told me our future was going to be great, but why did everything feel wrong when looking at our wedding date on the calendar? Why was I dreading our wedding? Why couldn’t I see myself doing the little things in life with him, like grocery shopping, car rides, and the slow mornings we talked about? Why did I have extreme anxiety about him being the father of my future children?

I knew my happy fantasy of that day and our life together would not be my reality. Not that he is a bad guy because he is not. He is human, just as I am. We are both children of God living in a fallen world full of sin. I believe that we are different and not meant to be in the Biblical union of marriage together. No matter how hard you try, even if you are Christian, some people are not supposed to be together.

I had been listening to everyone for those five months to silence the concerns raging within my soul. I was looking to anyone to confirm the biggest decision of my life when the Spirit of the Lord was telling me something else. When I told the closest people in my life the truth about my concerns, everything now made sense to them as well. They understood my fear, my recent short temper, my attitude, and my stressed-out demeanor. They understood why I had not been myself.

I knew what the Lord was calling me to do, but I did not want to do it. I am a people pleaser and am not great at confrontation or conflict. I knew I would hurt people. I knew certain relationships would be lost forever. I knew that bridges would be burnt with me holding that match. I knew I was supposed to pick up my dress that week. I knew that my parents had already spent a large amount of money preparing for my “dream” day. But, most importantly, I knew what the Lord was telling me to do.

As I drove to his house to return the ring and end our relationship, the Lord led me. He was my strength to walk to my car, put my key in the ignition, and drive to his house. I know my physical body could not have taken that walk alone; it was all Him.

I prayed for guidance, wisdom, strength, and courage. I prayed that he would have a heart of understanding and would one day understand why I was about to end our relationship. I prayed and trusted that God would one day heal my heart and trusted Him that I wasn’t making a mistake.

Conviction through the Holy Spirit is a powerful gift from God. For months, I believed that my conviction was fear. The enemy wanted me to believe my conviction was fear. People around me told me my conviction was fear. I did too, until I silenced the other voices. I had to shut out the noise and distractions pulling me away from the one voice that spoke the truth. Then, I could fully hear the Spirit of truth from the Father. The Spirit told me to do the hard thing and hand back the ring.